Guilt

My niece was the lead role of Dorothy in her middle school production of The Wizard of Oz. I planned to take Ronin and Audrey, but knew that Nikko would not be able to sit still or be quiet during a two-hour performance so I opted to leave him home with his daddy. Nikko would probably see the crowds of people and tell me immediately that it was "time to go home", perhaps squeal or yell, or even struggle to leave. I didn't want to ruin the experience for other families. Besides, he'd get to spend some 1:1 time with his dad. But as the hour came closer to leave the house with my two youngest, I was filled with intense guilt. Suddenly I wanted to bring Nikko (I really couldn't, I didn't have another ticket for him) because it didn't feel right to go somewhere without all my kids together. I also started to imagine the good-bye scene getting ugly. I knew it would be great for Ronin and Audrey to experience seeing a play, but it bummed me out that Nikko could not enjoy it this time around.

Nikko got upset when he saw us getting ready to leave, watching his siblings putting on their shoes. He grabbed his shoes and told me "shoes!" but I told him that I'd be right back, and I'd see him later. He didn't understand where we were going, and why he couldn't come along. Denis later reported that it took a while for him to calm down, but he took him out to get chicken wings and he was compliant. I really wonder how Nikko felt, though. At the play, when my mom asked me where Nikko was, I started to explain that he was home with Denis, and I got choked up with tears in my eyes when I told her that Nikko probably wouldn't be able to sit still and would make noise. My guilt felt so huge. I know it was the right thing to do, but as a mom I felt like I let Nikko and myself down by not including him. Was it fair? Shouldn't Nikko be exposed to things that other neurotypical kids experienced, whether or not he can actually handle them at the time? Where does one draw the line as to what is fair and what is not?