*My* meltdown

Speech report: Good pointing to pictures!

The following is a copy of something I posted today on the asd board (support group) I belong to, and modified to fit my blog:
Nikko found an empty box that might have held some Christmas candy (something Willy Wonka-ish. The content is irrelevant.) that was behind the couch. He brought it to me and said, “Candy?” I looked at it, knowing that I don’t give him candy and we didn’t have any around the house, and said, “No, Nikko, no candy. I don’t have any. How about some peaches instead?” And so the protesting, whining and screaming started. He would not be placated, kept shoving the box in my hand and flailing his arms when I said no. I ignored him and went about the kitchen but he followed me, whining the whole time. The whining grates on my nerves SO much that I resorted to putting in some ear plugs to muffle the din of the whining. I was so frustrated that Nikko, after 7 or 8 minutes of the screaming, was not giving up. Then my son Ronin, who ate some dried mangoes post-lunch, threw up on a bedroom area rug. I led everyone to the kitchen so I could clean up the rug later, but Ronin wasn’t finished and unloaded again on the kitchen floor. Nikko, a few inches away, was still screaming and prodding me. Audrey plodded near the scene but thankfully didn’t try to touch the throw-up. As I turned to grab paper towels, a plastic bag and Windex, Ronin whined that his pants were dirty, and Nikko was still relentless. I just started to cry with big, heaving sobs, wiping up the mess while wailing that Nikko would not stop screaming at me, that I had to clean up throw-up, and having a big ole teary pity party for myself. I yelled at Ronin to let me finish cleaning up the mess and then I’d handle him. Nikko saw that I had tears running down my face while crying like a baby, so he stopped screaming and just looked at me. He eventually got up, or gave up, and ran off. I went to the bedroom to clean up the other mess, and sat while the Carpet Resolve was soaking the stains, thinking that I am not supposed to lose it in front of the kids, that I’m supposed to keep it together and be the strong one, but my threshold for whining and crying must be so low that I crumbled when all cylinders were fired up, everyone around me screaming, including me.

Granted, Denis was out of town for five days, I haven’t been able to leave the kids with anyone (conflicting schedules) so I probably need a break from them, and I haven’t been going to sleep early enough because I try to do as much as I can after the kids go to bed, so I understand that I’ve reached the end of my rope and therefore broke down. I get so angry at myself for yelling at the kids, and even worse for screaming at them in my moment of weakness, feeling broken down because they won’t stop coming at me or obeying what I tell them to do (not all the time, maybe 50/50). They are really great kids, very smart, and also very young. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t keep falling apart in front of them. Going to another room isn’t always a good option, especially with Nikko because he will follow me and bang on the door tirelessly while screaming until I let him in. On days (or weeks) like this, I feel like I SO don’t have it put together. No amount of redirecting was going to stop Nikko from wanting candy. And I wasn’t going to give in. Therefore, I had to wait out the storm, and that sucks.

Denis came home from some work training in Indianapolis right about the time Melisa came for Nikko's ABA session. Since Nikko was occupied, I told Denis that I should make a Costco/Jewel run. I had until 4p, which was only an hour, so I took off. I ran around Costco for 20 minutes, allotted 20 minutes at Jewel, and 10 minutes travel time x2. It wasn't the most relaxing trip out, first time totally away from the kids in over a week, but it was a tiny breather. I made it back just in time. I worried about running into traffic regarding the motorcade for Lee Dewyze, a local singer that is in the top three of American Idol this season, but all that action was taking place more south of us. There was also some slowgoers due to this weekend being the Mount Prospect-wide Garage Sale. Melisa said Nikko did well today, but I still read her notes later and saw that he was especially whiny as well. She told me he seemed uncomfortable, as if he needed a diaper change. There wasn't any poo when I checked, although his diaper leg band was slightly askew so I could see the elastic being uncomfortable to him. After dinner, Denis and I took the kids to the baseball fields at Fairview School to try flying some kites. There really wasn't enough wind. The kids enjoyed running in the open field, and the littler ones brought buckets and used them for holding dirt from the baseball diamond. What sealed the deal was sidewalk chalk found abandoned near the school, so they were all covered in chalk dust as well as baseball diamond dirt. Baths ensued. Nikko was tired from being awake all day, awakened around 6:15a no less. I'd be/am tired too!!!