Friday, February 13, 2009

No More, Day 2

I am so mad at Nikko right now that I don't even want to look at him. This is day 2 where he refuses to sign More and I am just taking it so personally. I feel as if he is outright refusing me and I am pissed to high heaven. I tried at each meal to get him to sign More. I tried to give him some foods that he'd love to eat, a cheese-filled pretzel, chocolate pudding and a favorite train DVD but he is refusing to sign More. I didn't even get any Pleases for the train DVD to get repeated. I'm incredibly hurt right now, seething and suffering from a headache I'm sure my screaming spurned on. I am losing it, practically blowing a gasket here. The scene is ugly after awhile, it is so hard for me to hold my composure when I KNOW he understands that he has to sign More to get more. My thought is: WHY aren't you signing More? WHY are you doing this to me?? That's when I knew I was taking this way too personally. How can I not? I am the one asking him directly for a sign and he's not giving it to me.

Right now he finished his first round of nuggets and has crawled behind me on my chair. I will face him in a second, ask him if he wants more, will sign More, and see what kind of response I will get....

I just did some hand over hand with him so he could get a few more. But the next time I wll not give him anything unless he gives me a more definitive sign.

I am so frustrated with him that I can't wait to get away from him right now. I'm calm now, and I'm talking to him if I have to, but I feel incredibly cold toward him. We had such a battle in the living room about the train DVD. I told him if he wants more trains, sign More. He refused. I don't know why. Back and forth, lots of tears and crying from him. By the time we got to the kitchen (no TV anymore, BTW) I was slamming and banging things. Denis will be coming back with Tortorice's pizza for dinner, and I dread seeing Nikko trying to get some from us. I am not going to give him anything unless he signs More after an initial feeding. I mean it. I don't want to give in. I will do hand over hand once or twice, but after that he MUST sign for me for he won't get anything. I have to be firm on that. It's killing me, though. I want to get away from here so bad because I'm afraid of screaming in front of the boys again. Poor Ronin is suffering the backlash from Nikko's refusals because he's getting in the way and I'm practically knocking him over. To get back to normal, I tried to think like Jen the DT. She would probably tell me to offer him nuggets once, twice, then do hand over hand (HOH) and give it to him. That way he'll get it right away instead of everyone suffering. I'm going to try doing that, but also realized that this evening I was probably way too tough. Like tough love, I suppose. But I didn't give in. I wanted him to watch his train DVD, but told him all done, no more and kind of punished him for not doing More. Perhaps that's not the best way? I'm not sure. It didn't help get my message across, that if he DID do More then he'd get what he wanted. I gotta ask Jen to see what's the right way to go about doing this. I still think she'd tell me to keep on repeating it, via HOH.

(Sigh) I just want to start fresh with Nikko tomorrow and not get in too many confrontations. I wish he would just sign More and be done with it.


  1. Hey Mich. Just found this through your FB site. I think you are incredibly strong woman and great mom for sharing what y'all are going through and raising awareness about autism. I will continue to follow your blog and pray for Nikko. Let me know if there is anything more that I can do.

  2. AW, thanks so much Cristina. That's so sweet of you. I started this to see if I could keep track of his progress, and now I'm finding that it's therapeutic as well (evidenced above). Thanks for reading Nikko's blog and being supportive!