The Anxious Bubble

Remember how I said I wanted to treat Nikko in a calming way and be strong for him? Let's just say it totally went out the window somehow today. I don't know why it was so hard for me to be patient with him, but I am going to have to dig all the way to China to get a bucket of patience for him. It's not like he's asking for the impossible: he's just asking to be by my side ALL THE TIME. Sometimes at the breakfast table he will go scurry after me when I leave the room to get Audrey. He'll bolt out of his chair if he hears the closet/pantry door open or close. Maybe he thinks it sounds like the basement door and wonders if I'm going to disappear. When I'm at the changing table with Ronin or at the sink washing dishes he will wedge himself between me and the counter. Ronin does this too, but Nikko is much stronger and often succeeds in interrupting my progress. I can't get him OR Ronin to understand the concept of "Wait" or "Wait a minute". I'm sure it doesn't exist for anyone under 4 years old, but man it is frustrating. I don't even know if we got past breakfast before I felt like I had yelled my head off for Nikko to stop crying. I have got to find a way to get past this irritation. What makes things worse is when Audrey is crying in the background and then Nikko is whining for me. It seems to get my adrenaline pumping and I get really anxious. I don't think it's a caffeine thing (I could be in denial about that one). I don't know if thinking calming thoughts is going to help. What might really help are earplugs!!! It's not that I don't want to meet my kids' needs. I do. But I would really like to just tune out the crying and the whining so I can get stuff done. I'm not getting any sympathy for my mom since she raised six kids and reminds me that I was the whiny one who kept clinging to her pant legs almost pulling off her pants. Yes, that happens to me nowadays too. Almost daily. I realize that Nikko and Ronin are going through a clingy stage and that I should try to foster independence from them both. I don't think I am over-coddling either of them. But I do think I have to be nicer when I am feeling that anxious bubble rising in my throat. Will taking deep breaths help when the anxious bubble rises? NO. I've got to come up with a thought that will squelch the anxious bubble in mid-flight. Guess I need a visual. No cute or cuddly animals. When I think about animals I think about pets and how I don't want them because they cause me stress to take care of them with the babies around and what germy things they will eat off the floor that the pets (aka DOG) walked over... ok, that didn't work. Maybe I should visualize popping the anxious bubble as it comes up the pipeline. Sounds stupid, but maybe.

Nikko had a big meltdown when we left for mom's house today. I don't know exactly what was the trigger. He woke up from his nap all right, although I had to change his diaper and clothes, but he was in a decent mood because I didn't force these things upon him. I started leaving the room and he went bezerk. In the car he kicked off his shoe and was trying to rip off his sock. I helped him out with both feet, but I wouldn't let him take off his jacket. He was much calmer at mom's house because I told Denis to take him to East Prairie School to go play. It was cold, but he needed the play time. Denis told me he protested every step of the way back, but it was getting cold. No doubt!